A news report…….

Good morning. This is BBC Radio Four and I’m John Humphreys. It’s eight o clock on Friday May the eighteenth, 2019. Here is the BBC news.

 

Reports are still coming in of further unrest in both Manchester and Liverpool, where disturbances arose again in both cities last night as the army continued to tighten its hold on territories recently regained from the rebel forces.

 

Also, evidence has come from the Prime Minister’s office that the Mayoral takeovers of Bristol and Birmingham and their cutting of all ties to Westminster are both illegal and unconstitutional.

 

Our reporters, embedded with the armed forces in Warrington, have sent reports of the increasing strains being felt as food rationing has increased in severity. Owen Smith, in our radio car, are you there? What is happening up there this morning?

 

“Hellow John, this is me, Owen, speaking from Warrington. Are you there?”

 

Well, yes I am, since I just introduced you. OK, now can you tell us all – are things getting any better?

 

“Well, John, it’s like this. My armed support officers have been on the streets of Salford this morning and they tell me that Manchester is burning. I think the looters have taken over a Tesco distribution centre and are defending it with force.”

 

Are there any talks going on? Clearly, as mass starvation started to set in over the last few weeks of blockade and shutdown, people have been getting very desperate.

 

“Well I‘m sure that is true but they did bring it upon themselves by voting for Jeremy Corbyn and his Labour Party Trotskyists. I fully understand and support Theresa’s, I mean the Prime Minister’s decision to impose martial law.”

 

OK, well we shall be returning to this subject – obviously – as the programme continues. There are a number of other items we will be able to talk about as well however. Including:

From Scotland, where President Sturgeon has now publicly stated that their new policy on Europe will allow them to adopt the Euro as their national currency “in the next couple of years”. This is after its introduction to the whole of Ireland, as Ulster was absorbed into the Republic, following the 2018 referendum. Speaking last night at a banquet in the Palace of Hoolyroodhouse, President Sturgeon said:

“We are looking forward to arrangements being put in place at the Presidential Bank of Scotland and are going to make sure that the Government of England with Wales makes up the difference!” She would not be drawn further.

 

From Tel Aviv, there are reports reaching us that Israeli troops have fallen back from their positions around Damascus following a catastrophic breakdown in relations between their country and Saudi Arabia. We’ll have another deeply embedded correspondent detailing the situation in a few minutes.

 

Lord Rupert Murdoch, Governor General of the BBC, speaking at a lavish feast in the Lord Mayor of London’s Mansion House, suggested that, as the BBC and other media were “too left wing”, there would have to be an ongoing reassessment of contracts for strategic roles within the organisations. “We cannot allow the plebs to retain any of the knowledge they used to get from the internet. There must be an ongoing purge of left wingers”, he concluded.

 

Now, new reports are reaching us from the British Medical Corporation that the increase in obesity now reaching “epidemic” numbers is entirely the fault of somebody else. They insist that they have made comments and published reports many times saying that they feel that they have observed a problem and that the problem should be solved. However, they reiterated that they were happy to continue to provide consultancy work as long as their fees continued to be met. As he left the building one was heard to comment “Illness. It’s our way of life.”

 

And in less grizzly circumstances, back here in the UK, we have the news that, following his recent divorce from his long term partner, Sir Elton John is looking for Daniel, who never returned from his 1971 flight….

 

Now, let’s go back to Warrington for an update from Owen. Hello again, Mr Smith, have you anything new to tell us?

“Well, yes, indeed I have, John. I have just unearthed all the details and, do you know, I have to tell you this:

“Its all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault!”

 

735 words

Chris Hemmings

crishtrees@gmail.com

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About greencentre

Non grant supported hence independent scientist, green activist, writer and forest planter.
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