In an exclusive extract from the brain of Michael Gove – yes, it does exist although previous evidence has been scratchy – I can reveal fantastic, all embracing plans for the modernization of the BBC – and Murdoch has not quite got his way.
In what can only be called bold planning it turns out he has substantially advanced plans to merge the august and, quite honestly outdated organization with the British university system to establish the ultimate FOFO (“Find out for oneself”, although there are other translations!) and simultaneously solve problems of exponential rise in student debt, graduate unemployment and a need for new land to be released to develop city centres. It is rumoured that Gove plans to launch his campaign for leadership of the Tory party as these plans start to bed in.
So how is this going to work? Well, we already can see the plans coming into operation as a handful of Professors are given television airtime with a remit to explore a wide range of topics. It is true that they have a limited supply of such venerables but, hey, in their professorshipness this really does not matter. So long as they can smile knowingly, but somehow a bit mysteriously, who the hell cares what the subject is. They’re Professors, for heaven’s sake and have passed the test on regurgitating speculation as fact and similar dark arts.
Furthermore in this manner staffing can – and will – be kept to a minimum. Today, for example, science department member Prof B.Cox moved away from his previous stomping grounds of derivative rock music and astrophysics to lecture on Biogenesis in the first of a series on biological issues. Future rationalisations will merge other specialisms as appropriate.
The incredible savings to be generated by Gove’s latest brain wave will lead to the fiscal deficit being substantially reduced over the next ten years as universities are largely dismantled. Many Tory bigwigs quietly applaud this prospect. One was heard to whisper “Terrible places – full of commies and subversives – anyway, the Plebs don’t need degrees as what jobs there’ll be will only be in call-centres and Starbucks. It’s always been such an awful waste of money. Pass me a drink, could you, David. That’s a good chap”